Life Now

Winter and it is that time when the trees have lost their leaves, it is dull and dark but hopefully, my words are brighter. This change in my creative urge stimulates how I interpret an everyday occurrence. From this ebb and nothing, comes a new consciousness of the smallest of events, creating a story with thoughts so strong it bursts with light.

Evening arrives early, the sun low in the sky, dusk setting around me as if the darkness is growing too great to be opposed by the weak winter sun. My eyes adjust to the lowlight allowing me enough sight to reveal the tranquillity of the evening.

Walking in the gardens of Kingston Lacy and I realise just how well I have come to know the place. Every tree we pass, every stream we cross, hold memories and associations. I recognise flowers, trees of particular favourite to Jenson and seasonal plants. The light at different times of the day or the clouds forming when the air is warm and the wind turns to the north-east. The wildflowers I expect to see in fields or woodland and those which catch me by surprise because I was inattentive. I would not say I understand it, more that I and this land come to an understanding. Makes sense to me. I know I will not return from here now, the thought of life elsewhere is not tolerable. I was asked if I was happy here. I have had moments when the beauty of Africa was almost too much to bear and I ache for it. I am a scarred man and I underestimate the extent of that damage. I would still rather be scarred, knowing what I know, then have that knowledge taken away or to have learnt it and remained untouched by it. I keep myself busy and that is the main thing.

This is my life now for better or worse. I shared the sensibilities of those around me and that carries enough acceptance to tolerate the inevitable differences. I'm freer than I would be elsewhere, and you know that is always important to me. Although even here, I have needed to act at times for the perceived good of the community in ways I doubt the wisdom of. Inevitable, I suppose.
What did I see of consequence, do to plan, add as an achievement? Nothing but Life and I think that is enough for now. 

I still leave footprints on the beach, treasured time for me and Jenson. Somedays Susan or Robert will join me and we get to just walk and talk, that is enough and that brings its own pleasure and reward. I enjoy the quiet reflection and the openness brings a freshness to the day, no matter what the weather, we are out there. Coffee tastes better and the house warmth an earned right.